“My mother-in-law is always competing with my mother”

Query: My mother-in-law is always competing with my mother. I ignored it initially but now it’s becoming too much to handle. My mother is a simple woman and my wife’s mom is highly manipulative. I don’t want to upset my wife by confronting her but I can’t stand her anymore!

Expert advice by Aanchal Narang, Counselling Psychologist and founder of Another Light Counselling:

Thank you for asking such a question. It’s a very sensitive matter. I think it can be dealt with by working on communication but we will need to navigate how we communicate this. Firstly, I would like to understand, do you have any resentment towards your wife because of what your mother-in-law is doing to you?

My second question would be, is your mother in law harming you emotionally in any way? Are you feeling manipulated or emotionally unsafe? If the answer to the these questions is yes, it is very important that we communicate this to our partner. If not (communicated) there would be a considerable strain on the relationship and it would cause further resentment.

Now how do we go about communicating this to your partner? I would suggest you to take your partner out. Make sure you are smiling when you are having the conversation to encourage a good mood, so she takes it (conversation) well. Have a conversation about how you feel about your mother-in-law and not about what she (mother-in-law) is doing so she (partner) is less defensive about it. Talk to her about whether you can put some boundaries in place with her mother, so that you don’t keep feeling unsafe, manipulated and stuck in the situation.

If you communicate this to her in the right way, there is a very high chance she will listen to you and be able to help you navigate the situation. Asking her how to do this would be the ideal way because she has also been with her mother forever and will know how to communicate this to her mother in a right manner.

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